Peace

My bedroom is pleasantly chilly, and I'm getting the impression I'm stealing a glimpse of a secret world, where my room opens up its petals as the daylight filters through the slits of the window blinds.

I rarely see this. The sky is overcast. The air conditioner is humming along on LO. The white Honeywell oscillator at the foot of my bed is stiffly but somehow expectantly facing the A/C, waiting to be turned on. Dark, striped button-up shirts line up dutifully in my dark, small closet. The large IKEA wardrobe looms uselessly across from me, taking up space. It dwarfs the bureau, burdened by books I've yet to read, books I have read, journals I've neglected, coins, chocolate bars, allergy pills, my wallet, car keys, and other remnants, mementoes or souvenirs of activities over the last few months. There's my La-Z-Boy in the corner: a big, awkward, fluffy shelf for flung clothes and magazines when I am not using it to sit and meditate.

I am lying on my bed, its soft red blanket inviting and warm. The light here in the daytime turns these things into live creatures, each with a vibrant life of its own. The daylight reacts and gives resonance among these seemingly inanimate objects. The overcast sky is slowly giving way to the powerful sun, as swaying ribbons of light dance on my bed before me, shadows of the tree leaves outside my window waving in a damp, muggy breeze.

The light is smothered by clouds, and for a few moments I wonder if I'll ever see it again: I'm left with the dull red blanket, and the after-image of the shadow of the window blinds. There is a stillness, a sobering calm. The A/C continues to hum. Then the light appears again, brighter than before, wider than before, deeper and broader, covering half my bed and all of my journal and the leg of my Columbia shorts.

I look around and soak up the stillness. And I realize this has been here all along. It's here when I am away at work. It's here when I'm here at night, under the halogen light afixed to the ceiling, and amid the glow of the red lamp atop my bedside table. It's here when I sleep and when I make love, when I am frustrated or overwhelmed.

Wherever and whenever I need it: still, it is here.

Shedding my skin in 2008

Ah, 2008, such curveballs you threw my way! Let's see how well I did, how I've changed, and what I've accomplished as a result.

Waking up
I had a really great summer, a time of transition. Coming out of an on-again off-again yearlong relationship, I needed to clear my head. I chose to learn how to meditate. Without a doubt, this was the most important development of the year, if not ever. I learned not just to dismiss the negative thoughts that drove my life, but I learned to realize that they are just thoughts, just stories I was ruminating in my head; they are not who I AM. Ridding myself of this, I felt on top of the world, just by setting aside time for myself, doing simple things like walking around Fresh Pond in Cambridge in the summer -- or going to Brattle Theatre in December to watch all four of the Indiana Jones movies, Serenity and even episodes of Doctor Who on the big screen. July and August were by far the best months of 2008.

Paying down
In September, I worked on two freelance web development gigs in order to rid myself of credit card debt, which had been a dark cloud over my head for so long. Finally, my credit card balances have been paid off. Phew! There was a time when I had to pay rent with credit cards. Those days are no more. Not only did I pay off the debt, I'm pretty sure I also did not use my credit cards at all last year. It helped that I started in late 2007 to use an actual spreadsheet to budget my income and expenses, which helped me see in real and projected numbers that the debt was not insurmountable if I just stuck with it. I also gleaned random tidbits from advice from blogs such as Get Rich Slowly, where I learned to pay off the largest debt first, by being disciplined. In 2009, I hope to rid myself of my consolidated student loan and another loan. Getting more freelance gigs will make that easier to do.

Getting away
Prior to 2008, the last time I had a real vacation was in 2000, when a friend an I traveled to and around the United Kingdom for spring break in college. So after eight years of working as a reporter and then as a web developer, I needed time to get away from it all. I did this a couple of times this year, first over the Fourth of July weekend. I went to Rockland, Maine, where I walked the breakwater and got a sunburn, even on my feet, where the lines of my Birkenstocks still show faintly today. I did some writing in my journal, too. (To be honest, when I look back at 2008, my memory of it begins here.)

The more significant trip came over Thanksgiving, when I flew to Texas to see my sister, who invited me at the end of August to visit her and her husband in Dallas. I hadn't seen her in a year or two, and I actually hadn't met Tony until then. So that was good. From there I flew south to Austin. I had no plans other than to check out the city and possibly go to the Fandango de Tango festival. I did dance Friday night, and Saturday I walked all over the city for hours, ending the day with a blues concert at Antone's, where I was introduced to the incredible Caroline Wonderland.

Freelancing more
I already mentioned that September was pretty busy with work. Apart from my day job as a contracted web developer at the in-house agency at Staples, I again was contracted by Aspen Publishers in Waltham to develop and produce e-mail newsletters for new and upcoming textbooks for law school students. That job ended just after Columbus Day, but by then I was already working with Pixelberg to develop the new website it designed for Craigie on Main, formerly called Craigie Street Bistrot before they moved to Main Street in Cambridge. I learned A LOT on that project and am very proud of my work on it. I hear there is some follow-up work to be done soon, too.

Expressing myself
2008 was the year I started writing again. I stopped saying "someday I'll write a blog" and actually started one. I hesitated for a long time because I wanted it to have a purpose, and I didn't really have one. So I started this blog on June 22, 2008, with two posts: one introducing myself and an example of a piece of writing I wrote earlier that month in a Grub Street weekday seminar on writing sex scenes, the day I met Jeanne Greeley, who writes the Stuff at Night relationship/sex columns that I've enjoyed reading for a long time. The story of the vegan restaurant was an example of describing food with all five senses. Then we wrote three versions of the same sex scene. I left the class impressed with everyone else's writing and realized that mine was much like reporting -- and hence, much more pornographic, in a way, than the sensual approach we were, uh, shooting for. I took two more Grub classes, one in mid-August on writing a personal essay, and one in mid-December on writing from real life.

So what sparked this renewed interest in writing? My mom was searching for stuff about me on the web in late April and found the last column I wrote for the Maine Campus college newspaper and said, yes, she was proud of me. I sent the link to my girlfriend at the time, who said, "Why aren't you writing?"

Smartening up
I always feel like I'm learning new things every day. There was a time when I distressed over this fact. "I should have figured it all out by now!" But in 2008 I embraced learning, including especially meditation. But earlier in the year I took classes at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education, just for the hell of it. The center sent out a winter catalog in late 2007, and I saw classes for things I always wanted to learn. I took a one-day class on entrepreneurship, a beginner's six-week course on Polish, and another one on pottery. (I have some photos of my pottery that I hope to show off on my site soon.) This past Christmas, I gave some of my wares to my sisters.

Letting go
When I moved to Massachusetts in September 2007, my goal was to forge a mighty career in web development. However, my time here over the last year has become more a job in personal development. I had a lot of assumptions about how my life was going, and it didn't end up the way I expected it would. Each time I took a step, my feet landed in a different spot than I aimed for. It took me a long time to figure out that holding on to what I assumed were foregone conclusions hampered me from moving forward. I continue to struggle with it, but I'm getting better at understanding the concept of impermanence: Nothing lasts forever. I'm trying to get used to it.

Happy new year!

Blog topic ideas

No, I'm still alive. I haven't updated my blog in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it. In fact, I have many items buzzing around in this hollow head of mine. So as a teaser, I suppose, this post is the list of ideas I'm brewing to write about.

• 7 obscure things about me. I was tagged by my friend Kate (more than a month ago). I'm still thinking about it. That's a tough one. (link added 12/20/2008)
  
• TANGO with STANGO. A blog post about my story with Argentine tango. I already have a request for this, and to that person, I can probably guarantee some surprises.
• Trip to Texas. I visited my sister and her husband in Dallas over Thanksgiving, and then went to Austin to complete the weekend.
• Calexico. They're my new favorite band. I saw them in concert in November.
• "At the movies" -- Ask anyone close to me, and they'll make fun of the fact that I hardly watch any movies. Lately, I've been trying to change that.
• Craigie On Main. I developed this restaurant's new website, and learned a lot along the way.
  
• "Dealing with Loss" -- a title I thought of back in September that would track my (feeling of) transformation and all the stuff I was losing in the process.
• Impermanence and attachment. You may know I started meditating in the summer, and learned some principles of Buddhism along the way. These two concepts have still eluded my grasp to understand them. (As have the grasp of many other people, apparently, someone suggested to me recently.)
• Healthy eating. Almost every woman I either just liked or dated have been very health-conscious, even to the point of being vegan or becoming vegetarian. Being aware of this pattern is interesting and has affected my diet... slowly but steadily. (Please overlook my recipe for Crunchy Eggs Dinner for now.)
  
• Truth. Truth, versions of truth, how people act and react around their own perceptions of truth.
• Trust and patience. I may need to rollover this one into 2009. haha.
  
• Hair, and perceptions. Hmm, I wrote this idea down one day. This could be either one or both of two concepts.
  
• Life is a traffic jam. I thought of this while in one, and wrote it down in a notebook I keep in my car.
• Life is a dream. I first read this in "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle and realized how true that can be. Strangely, it also made me think of the campfire scene in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. That then led me to realize that its widely regarded bad storyline had some interesting points.
• Changing "never enough" to "never IS enough". Similarly, "not good enough".
• Jealousy and fear of rejection. Ah, this old chestnut!
• Clarity and perspective. Related to truthiness (see above).
• My accomplishments of 2008. Because there are a lot of them?
  

Any other requests?

I hope to address some of these in the next couple of weeks. At least one of them!

On being 30

I've been staring at myself in the mirror for the last hour or so.

I've always had issues with looking people in the eye until one day a few years ago I read a random passage on the Web about how movie actors are trained to focus on the other person's eye, the eye farthest from the camera. Or is it closest to the camera? Either way, this trick nonetheless helped me focus on the person I'm facing.

And when you face yourself -- as in, look into the depths of your own soul -- for the first time in 30 years, you learn a few things.

1. When you're sad, it really shows.
2. When you're trying to put on a smile, you're not fooling anybody.
3. It's high time to get a haircut, especially with this excuse of a hairline.
4. Surprisingly, wiggling just your right ear is 100 times more difficult to do than wiggling your left.

Being 30 years old, at least within the year of being age 30, was challenging. I had just moved to the Boston area, primarily to focus on building a career. But it's been predominantly a journey of personal growth. Within this year, I have realized that, for most of my life, I have been unconscious. I was unaware of how I was living my life. I was becoming more aware of the lengths I would go to please people. My mind would get the better of me by worrying about things I could not control.

I found peace this summer when I learned insight meditation. As with many aspects of my life (writing fiction in high school, dancing Argentine tango for the past five years, etc.), when I am involved in something, I embrace it completely, and meditation was no exception. I became more aware of my true self, my life, and how I interacted with my surroundings. I kept describing to people how it felt like I was filling up, finally, this shell of a body. I felt like I mattered. I felt alive. Soon after, a woman, nearly a year younger than I, took notice. Being true to myself was not so bad after all.

In this heightened state of awareness, I felt transformed. I started looking at things differently. I started questioning things that I took for granted. Religion, philosophy, even tango. I've been dancing tango for more than five years. Why? It started as a social outlet, then I found out I really enjoyed it. I ended up dating three women I met through tango. What if I gave it up? I don't identify myself as being a dancer, even though I'm pretty good at it. If I stopped dancing, I'm still me. Right? I don't know; I haven't stopped dancing yet.

I've read more books this year than I have in recent memory, and my stack of books I intend to read is even larger. I'm soaking up information in my lifelong quest to learn more about the world and myself. The latest book is "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and this "spiritual teacher" is blowing my mind. He breaks down the walls of conventional, traditional and institutional thinking and gets to the heart of what IS. Who am I? No language has adequate words to describe who I am. Is that a cop-out? No. It means that however you may describe me, or however my mind may think of my own self, pales in comparison to who I am and who I am able to be. It is that part of me that is becoming more conscious.

And part of being conscious is being aware that I can get caught up in all this. Embracing, focusing on improving myself for the sake of self-improvement can rob me of the opportunities of enjoying life as it comes. It has also made me complacent, allowing me to think that I've evolved, that I've overcome trivial matters. Then suddenly the unexpected would happen, and I feel like I'm back at square one. And that's when I look myself in the eye and face up to the fact that I'm making my life too complicated.

Life is a gift, and I need to be more present. The time is now.

First trimester is over. It's past midnight, and I am no longer 30.

I am.

Meditation and mindfulness

Today I am recapping my busy month.

In many ways meditation should be first on that list. This has been one of the most important things I have done in a long time. It has been occupying most of my free time, when it's not spent dancing Argentine tango, surfing the Web, or taking walks. So because this section deserves more attention, and rightly so has turned from a brief synopsis on the list to a lengthy description of where I am at, it has become its own blog post.

So. You know how sometimes you're just sitting there not doing much, and you have a hundred things going through your head? Or if you're in a situation, and your mind overreacts? Or your mind just starts coming up with stuff that you know is irrational but you just can't help it? Some people call that mind chatter. (Somehow I keep remembering it as "mind clutter", which might clue you in on my interpretation of it.)

I have been meditating a lot lately. My mind clutter over the last few months was just getting more out of control, I guess you could say. Or I was becoming more aware of it, and I didn't really know how to deal with it.

And somehow the universe guided me to find all of these options:

Taking time at work
I found out about a meditation group at Staples, where I work as a contract web developer. They meet at lunchtime Mondays to Thursdays. It's a small group, and sometimes it's just me and another person, sitting in a dark room for a half hour and listening to strange (yet perfect) music. It definitely helps break up the day and relieves stress.

Awareness practice group
I started an Intro to Awareness "meditation practice group" at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. It's a six-week course on Mondays, and we're halfway done. There are about 15 or so in the class, and we're in this spacious and goregeous room on the top floor. The instructor (see picture; he has longer hair now) is great and has a soothing voice, which helps guides us during the 30 or 40 minutes of meditation.

The first half of the class is about learning to be present in the moment, and to focus on your breathing, and to find a way to take time in our busy lives to just BE, and not think about anything else. (The second half of the class is about paying attention to what sensations or distractions become more prominent, and to focus on that as an object of meditation. More on that starting this coming Monday.)

Being present in the moment is HARD to do, and I nevertheless recommend this class to anyone remotely interested in meditation. The Center has free drop-in sessions on Tuedsays and other courses for newbies like me.

Sangha
I have been going to sangha (community) nights at the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order center in Somerville. I first heard about this place last August, but didn't check it out until late June. I am not interested in the worship of Buddha; however, I am interested in the meditation time that the sangha night offers, as well as the discussions of Buddhist dharma (teachings). Sangha nights are times when this small group talk about life and becoming a better person, and what it means to be a better person.

Walking meditations
I'm continuing to take walks to Fresh Pond. I even found a little scenic route that includes two stone walls, where I sat atop one day and meditated while soaking up the rays of the sunset. At my second CIMC class, we learned about walking meditations, and I tried to do that twice so far at Fresh Pond.

First I thought I had to walk more slowly, so the first time I tried it, the loop around Fresh Pond took much longer. Then last night I tried it again, after realizing I didn't necessarily need to walk slow. I just needed to be mindful of the sensations, of the feet against the ground, of the breeze, of the feel of the walk itself, the feel of my body moving forward with purpose through the air. I must say, it feels different. I feel bigger, taller.

(The modesty in me wants to correct that to say, I don't feel as small as I used to feel. Because I am a tall person, that might seem strange for you to hear. That might be a future blog post in itself, perhaps having much to do with being one of the youngest and shortest kids in my high school class.)

Being more grounded
I've learned that you can take five minutes out of your day and just sit and focus on the sensations of your body, and nothing else, and that will help you feel more grounded.

That, perhaps, is the greatest benefit I have had with starting to learn meditation. I feel more grounded. In fact, in one of my late-night journal entries, I wrote that sometimes the foundation I stand on feels like a rocky pile, and I'm not standing tall and proud upon it, but squatting down, trying to balance myself on anything that won't crumble. Lately, I have found a more solid foundation to stand upon, and I don't have that feeling of squatting and trying to find balance. Maybe that's why I feel bigger, stronger, taller, leaner. I have found myself, and I have found myself to be worthy of being found.

Busy month

I wish I could say I was on an actual vacation for most of this month. I haven't actually written a real post here for most of July, as I've been unusually busy. Not really with busy work here and there, but I feel I'm occupying my time, for the most part, more wisely. There is a better sense of purpose. So here, I will try to do a brief (haha) synopsis of my month, picking up where I last left off.

My weekend getaway.
On July 4, I saw my friend and his wife, and caught up on life over the past year. I have grown so much in the time since we had last met, at their wedding, and it was good to hang out. Then it was off to an undisclosed location, which, by a number of readers of my blog had figured out from my photos, was in Rockland, Maine. I had hoped for a beach to lay out and just vegetate, but I ended up getting a ripe red farmer's tan (burn) just walking from my motel to the Rockland Breakwater, and beach time lasted only nearly two hours, tops. I got a free four-day three-night stay at the motel for resisting buying one of their timeshares after taking a tour of one of their condos. I decided to drive back to Massachusetts via Route 1, but after four hours and STILL in Maine, I hopped onto I-95, which ended up having worse holiday traffic. Six hours later, I landed in my neck of the woods and went straight to the last hour of the Cambridge tango practica, before heading home. All in all, it was a good trip, but I realized I could really do with a two-week vacation, which I haven't done since my trip to the U.K. over eight years ago during spring break of 2000.

Staples | Corporate Express acquisition (I mean, integration) website
Just before going to Maine I started work on the integration website of Staples and Corporate Express. And when I came back, I was working full-throttle on getting it done. One week I actually got an hour of overtime. It took me and a number of people on my team (I'm currently a contract web developer at Staples headquarters, for those who don't know) the better part of three or so weeks to get done what normally would have been months of work, according to one higher-up who applauded our efforts once we were done. I did most of the HTML, CSS, javascript and a dash of ASP (someone else did the Flash and design). I had some help on the javascript part from one former contractor who has gone full time. The Staples Corporate Express site is now live, but you need to have login access.

Then it is on to a new, big project, which I am knee deep in now. And once that's done, my duties will completely change. Sounds like good job security for now.

Life is a one-man play on a stage
One evening earlier this month, a friend of mine from New Hampshire and I went to the New Rep Theatre in Watertown to see "According to Tip", a one-man play performed by Broadway and TV star Ken Howard. I don't know anything about Broadway, or Tip O'Neill, but my friend is a political junkie. And because the New Reperatory Theatre is in my neighborhood, and because I am interested in the arts (even though I haven't done much with it), I thought what the hell. Ken Howard was great. Because he sang a handful of Irish drinking songs, does it count as a musical?

Howard has been around for a long time, and apparently he is sometimes in the U.S. version of "The Office," and he was in the (fantastic) movie "Michael Clayton," which starred George Clooney. I'm the type of person who can't do movie quotes to save my life, and therefore I cannot remember who Howard was in the movie. I'd have to watch it again.

Life is a one-man play on a stage, Part 2
The same night as "According to Tip" there was an Argentine tango milonga in Brookline. The play was done at 10:30pm-ish, and the milonga still had at least two hours left, so I decided to go. That was the most interesting two hours at a milonga I've had in a long time, if not ever. And that's putting it lightly. I saw my ex arrive there with a guy friend of hers, and I (apparently?) jumped to conclusions and had to step outside for a while to clear my head (see more about meditation, below). I stepped back inside and ended up having incredible dances with some of my favorite dancers, and with those I haven't danced with before (they were added to my list of favorites).

There are the types of good dancers who are so pre-occupied with doing a particular move RIGHT, as in pointing the foot at the correct angle to floor and juxtaposed to the leg blah blah blah, and there are the types of good dancers who move with feeling -- it may not be 100% correct but it FEELS goooood. I lean toward the latter, and I love dancing with those types of dancers too. For a while, I lost sight of that, and I'm comfortable with where I am. (I do know that if you combine both of those types of good dancers, the precise with the feeling, then your eyes roll back into your head with bliss. Been there, done that. That happens when the stars are aligned just perfectly.)

Hosting practica
In other tango news, I had been asked to be host to the Sunday practica in Cambridge. I was host on July 13, and will be host this Sunday. Basically, all this means is that I'm responsible for bringing water for everyone, ensuring that the vibe of practica remains friendly, be welcoming and dancing with new faces on the scene. I have no control over how freaking hot and muggy it gets in there, even when all three air conditioners and industrial fans are on at full blast. Thankfully, I don't need to mop up the drops of sweat on the floor. But I am responsible for having enough money to cover the rent.

Creative writing update
I haven't done much writing this month, other than writing prolific late-night (into early morning) entries in my journal after a long day (see "Life is a one-man play," parts 1 and 2, above, for example). Other than that, I have submitted a very small slice-of-life story as an entry to Grub Street's new literary magazine, the Rag Mag, which will debut Sept. 1. The story is labeled as fiction, although it's definitely based on a true story. In fact, I wrote it during a Grub Street writing class in early June, and it became one of my early blog entries, The revenge of the mysterious green plate monster. I hope it will be published in the Mag in one way or another. So far, I know that two people in my life have read it and that they loved it. I hope the rest of you do, too.

Crowning achievement
I finally got my second crown put in. This time porcelain instead of gold. I waited awhile to get it done, and therefore there were slight complications. I was under nitrous oxide (laughing gas) for about three long hours, and coming out of that consious yet coma-like state was rough. I had to sit down and drink some water to let my convulsing body iron out the shakes. Really weird.

Think twice about asking me to fix your computer
I messed up my computer bad. It actually happened the end of last month, and I let my computer whiz-kid friend up in Maine make a diagnosis. Yup, I lost all my files. Had I actually looked for my Windows XP setup CD, instead of using the PC Recovery Disc, I would have been A-OK. But the PC Recovery Disc reverted my computer as if I had just bought it this morning, taking me through the tour of Windows. Bizarrely, all my programs were fine, even Firefox 3, which I had downloaded a week before my computer wouldn't load. All the files that were stored in the My Documents folder? GONE. All the free videos I got from Amazon Unbox that were stored in a separate shared folder, videos I downloaded but don't have time to watch, and probably never will, were SAVED. Family and friends' photos? Gone. Budget spreadsheet I painstakingly built over the last year? Gone. Website source files for my previous clients? Gone. It's high time I invest in an external hard drive to back all my shit up. Now I'm re-building my budget with Google Docs (read: online).

Meditation and mindfulness
In many ways this should be first on this list. This has been one of the most important things I have done in a long while. It has been occupying most of my free time, when it's not spent dancing Argentine tango, surfing the Web, or taking walks. So because this section deserves more attention, and rightly so has turned from a brief synopsis on the list to a lengthy description of where I am at, "meditation and mindfulness" has become its own blog post.

One more week
There's still one more week to go for July. What more could possibly be in store for me?

Chowder, our temporary house cat

Chowder, our temporary house cat.

Sunset meditation

In the time it took me to type "Sunset meditation" and send this off to this blog straight from my phone, the sun had set.

Little black spot on the sun today

Hmm. Tip your head to the right. (Duh.)