Lesson 1: Speak up

Say something. Articulate.

We have evolved with the capability to communicate complicated thoughts and ideas, yet we struggle to grasp every day the idea that we can live happier lives if we only just say something, say anything, instead of stewing in despair.

They say life is suffering. So why do we continually make life more difficult for ourselves? Life is littered, cluttered, with the pains of people all around us, suffering. By your not speaking up, by your not articulating, by not using your voice to be heard, to be understood, to be helpful, to BE, you are forfeiting your responsibilities. You are relinquishing your life. You are abandoning your dreams. You are no longer a functioning half of a relationship. You no longer exist. You – who? – are forgotten.

They say, too, there is a way out of suffering.

Say something. Articulate. Proclaim your place in your own life. Reclaim the responsibilities beholden to you; make them work for you. Acclaim the rewards that you see.

Just be. Be yourself. Be helpful. Be understood, and speak until you are. Articulate. Choose your words carefully. Speak up. We're listening.

Peace

My bedroom is pleasantly chilly, and I'm getting the impression I'm stealing a glimpse of a secret world, where my room opens up its petals as the daylight filters through the slits of the window blinds.

I rarely see this. The sky is overcast. The air conditioner is humming along on LO. The white Honeywell oscillator at the foot of my bed is stiffly but somehow expectantly facing the A/C, waiting to be turned on. Dark, striped button-up shirts line up dutifully in my dark, small closet. The large IKEA wardrobe looms uselessly across from me, taking up space. It dwarfs the bureau, burdened by books I've yet to read, books I have read, journals I've neglected, coins, chocolate bars, allergy pills, my wallet, car keys, and other remnants, mementoes or souvenirs of activities over the last few months. There's my La-Z-Boy in the corner: a big, awkward, fluffy shelf for flung clothes and magazines when I am not using it to sit and meditate.

I am lying on my bed, its soft red blanket inviting and warm. The light here in the daytime turns these things into live creatures, each with a vibrant life of its own. The daylight reacts and gives resonance among these seemingly inanimate objects. The overcast sky is slowly giving way to the powerful sun, as swaying ribbons of light dance on my bed before me, shadows of the tree leaves outside my window waving in a damp, muggy breeze.

The light is smothered by clouds, and for a few moments I wonder if I'll ever see it again: I'm left with the dull red blanket, and the after-image of the shadow of the window blinds. There is a stillness, a sobering calm. The A/C continues to hum. Then the light appears again, brighter than before, wider than before, deeper and broader, covering half my bed and all of my journal and the leg of my Columbia shorts.

I look around and soak up the stillness. And I realize this has been here all along. It's here when I am away at work. It's here when I'm here at night, under the halogen light afixed to the ceiling, and amid the glow of the red lamp atop my bedside table. It's here when I sleep and when I make love, when I am frustrated or overwhelmed.

Wherever and whenever I need it: still, it is here.

Attainable goals for 2009

I don't do resolutions. Like many, I fail to remember even conjuring the audacity I had to challenge myself with lofty aims in such a trendy fashion. So this year, 2009, I am outlining goals more attainable and accessible, in an effort to actually achieve them!

1. Write every day. I'm already failing at this, if you consider that this originally meant write one blog post a day. Here it is, Jan. 10, and this is blog post #4. Not bad, considering I wrote an average of one post a month recently. See? Success already! So, whether it's writing here, writing in my offline journal, or writing a witty one-liner Facebook status message, the goal is to stretch my writing muskles.
   
   
2. Update my web portfolio. I originally wanted to do this in December. My web development portfolio is outdated and seriously lacking in design. It shares the minimalist aesthetic I have on Dankoski.com but really that was only temporary. So I'll update the portfolio content by end of January (meaning, adding the Staples CorpEx site and Craigie on Main) with screenshots and key code snippets.
   
   
3. Update the rest of Dankoski.com. I have had this domain for years, and it's time I do something with it. 2008 was a good year to start that with this blog, and with my web portfolio, but 2009 will be the year to beef it up with actual content. I hope to partner up again with the Craigie website designer on this. I'd like to keep the minimalist aesthetic, but I have some ideas to tie in my varied interests (web, writing, tango, photography, etc.). I'm hoping for a design mockup by end of February or March and an unveiling by late spring.
   
   
4. Travel more. I had a great time traveling to Texas over Thanksgiving. It was my first real "vacation" in eight years. I ended it with the want for more. It's good to get away, isn't it? I don't know yet where I'd like to go, or when I'd be able to. Before, it never occurred to me to get away, but this year, it's actually on my mind.
   
   
5. Live healthier. There are times when I eat some really nasty food. (See Exhibit A and Exhibit B.) But I know that green stuff and nonanimal products can sometimes (but not always) be tasty, and even healthy. I'm not turning vegetarian, but I'm open to eating healthier foods. The other day I learned I am technically overweight, with a body-mass index of 25.09, according to the the BMI calculator on Boston.com. That's based on my average weight of 185 pounds and my approximate height of 6 feet. Borderline with a normal BMI. But I know it's more difficult to maintain weight as one grows older. I'm also looking into yoga and will appreciate any suggestions and support. This healthy-living goal will be ongoing throughout the year.
   
   
6. Unplug. I'm on the computer all day. I need to unplug. Think I can do it? We'll see.
   
   
7. Go out more. I used to dance tango a lot. I'd go out a couple of or three times a week with my body dancing with some hot and not-so hot women. The scene is filled with people who are addicted to that sort of connection, and I've grown bored with it. I haven't danced tango yet in 2009, but I assume I will be back at it sooner or later. But it will no longer be my main social outlet, as it has been for the last five-plus years. This ongoing goal is to find other avenues. I'm a textbook introvert, so this will be a challenge.
   
   
8. Find a GGG woman. Today I'm not planning to seek out a woman who's right for me. Today I am happy with giving and keeping time for myself. But I know that aside from being content with myself, I would love to have a good, giving and game woman by my side. I deserve one. Someone who is sweet and cute and appreciates me for me. And, for the love of God, someone who is fun in bed ... or wherever else she wants to do it.
   
   
9. Keep blog posts short. My friend Jenny challenged me to do this. I know I tend to be wordy. But as Mark Twain supposedly noted, it takes more time to write short than it does to write long. I can write and write and write. Now I gotta edit them down? Argh.
   
   
10. Take more risks. I was going to leave this list at 9 items, but I couldn't help myself. I had to round it out. OK, taking risks, everything else and keeping blog posts short, starting now.
    

P.S. Oh, and if you haven't yet, please subscribe to this blog via e-mail at dankoski.com/blog or to its new Feedburner RSS feed.

Shedding my skin in 2008

Ah, 2008, such curveballs you threw my way! Let's see how well I did, how I've changed, and what I've accomplished as a result.

Waking up
I had a really great summer, a time of transition. Coming out of an on-again off-again yearlong relationship, I needed to clear my head. I chose to learn how to meditate. Without a doubt, this was the most important development of the year, if not ever. I learned not just to dismiss the negative thoughts that drove my life, but I learned to realize that they are just thoughts, just stories I was ruminating in my head; they are not who I AM. Ridding myself of this, I felt on top of the world, just by setting aside time for myself, doing simple things like walking around Fresh Pond in Cambridge in the summer -- or going to Brattle Theatre in December to watch all four of the Indiana Jones movies, Serenity and even episodes of Doctor Who on the big screen. July and August were by far the best months of 2008.

Paying down
In September, I worked on two freelance web development gigs in order to rid myself of credit card debt, which had been a dark cloud over my head for so long. Finally, my credit card balances have been paid off. Phew! There was a time when I had to pay rent with credit cards. Those days are no more. Not only did I pay off the debt, I'm pretty sure I also did not use my credit cards at all last year. It helped that I started in late 2007 to use an actual spreadsheet to budget my income and expenses, which helped me see in real and projected numbers that the debt was not insurmountable if I just stuck with it. I also gleaned random tidbits from advice from blogs such as Get Rich Slowly, where I learned to pay off the largest debt first, by being disciplined. In 2009, I hope to rid myself of my consolidated student loan and another loan. Getting more freelance gigs will make that easier to do.

Getting away
Prior to 2008, the last time I had a real vacation was in 2000, when a friend an I traveled to and around the United Kingdom for spring break in college. So after eight years of working as a reporter and then as a web developer, I needed time to get away from it all. I did this a couple of times this year, first over the Fourth of July weekend. I went to Rockland, Maine, where I walked the breakwater and got a sunburn, even on my feet, where the lines of my Birkenstocks still show faintly today. I did some writing in my journal, too. (To be honest, when I look back at 2008, my memory of it begins here.)

The more significant trip came over Thanksgiving, when I flew to Texas to see my sister, who invited me at the end of August to visit her and her husband in Dallas. I hadn't seen her in a year or two, and I actually hadn't met Tony until then. So that was good. From there I flew south to Austin. I had no plans other than to check out the city and possibly go to the Fandango de Tango festival. I did dance Friday night, and Saturday I walked all over the city for hours, ending the day with a blues concert at Antone's, where I was introduced to the incredible Caroline Wonderland.

Freelancing more
I already mentioned that September was pretty busy with work. Apart from my day job as a contracted web developer at the in-house agency at Staples, I again was contracted by Aspen Publishers in Waltham to develop and produce e-mail newsletters for new and upcoming textbooks for law school students. That job ended just after Columbus Day, but by then I was already working with Pixelberg to develop the new website it designed for Craigie on Main, formerly called Craigie Street Bistrot before they moved to Main Street in Cambridge. I learned A LOT on that project and am very proud of my work on it. I hear there is some follow-up work to be done soon, too.

Expressing myself
2008 was the year I started writing again. I stopped saying "someday I'll write a blog" and actually started one. I hesitated for a long time because I wanted it to have a purpose, and I didn't really have one. So I started this blog on June 22, 2008, with two posts: one introducing myself and an example of a piece of writing I wrote earlier that month in a Grub Street weekday seminar on writing sex scenes, the day I met Jeanne Greeley, who writes the Stuff at Night relationship/sex columns that I've enjoyed reading for a long time. The story of the vegan restaurant was an example of describing food with all five senses. Then we wrote three versions of the same sex scene. I left the class impressed with everyone else's writing and realized that mine was much like reporting -- and hence, much more pornographic, in a way, than the sensual approach we were, uh, shooting for. I took two more Grub classes, one in mid-August on writing a personal essay, and one in mid-December on writing from real life.

So what sparked this renewed interest in writing? My mom was searching for stuff about me on the web in late April and found the last column I wrote for the Maine Campus college newspaper and said, yes, she was proud of me. I sent the link to my girlfriend at the time, who said, "Why aren't you writing?"

Smartening up
I always feel like I'm learning new things every day. There was a time when I distressed over this fact. "I should have figured it all out by now!" But in 2008 I embraced learning, including especially meditation. But earlier in the year I took classes at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education, just for the hell of it. The center sent out a winter catalog in late 2007, and I saw classes for things I always wanted to learn. I took a one-day class on entrepreneurship, a beginner's six-week course on Polish, and another one on pottery. (I have some photos of my pottery that I hope to show off on my site soon.) This past Christmas, I gave some of my wares to my sisters.

Letting go
When I moved to Massachusetts in September 2007, my goal was to forge a mighty career in web development. However, my time here over the last year has become more a job in personal development. I had a lot of assumptions about how my life was going, and it didn't end up the way I expected it would. Each time I took a step, my feet landed in a different spot than I aimed for. It took me a long time to figure out that holding on to what I assumed were foregone conclusions hampered me from moving forward. I continue to struggle with it, but I'm getting better at understanding the concept of impermanence: Nothing lasts forever. I'm trying to get used to it.

Happy new year!

Blog topic ideas

No, I'm still alive. I haven't updated my blog in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it. In fact, I have many items buzzing around in this hollow head of mine. So as a teaser, I suppose, this post is the list of ideas I'm brewing to write about.

• 7 obscure things about me. I was tagged by my friend Kate (more than a month ago). I'm still thinking about it. That's a tough one. (link added 12/20/2008)
  
• TANGO with STANGO. A blog post about my story with Argentine tango. I already have a request for this, and to that person, I can probably guarantee some surprises.
• Trip to Texas. I visited my sister and her husband in Dallas over Thanksgiving, and then went to Austin to complete the weekend.
• Calexico. They're my new favorite band. I saw them in concert in November.
• "At the movies" -- Ask anyone close to me, and they'll make fun of the fact that I hardly watch any movies. Lately, I've been trying to change that.
• Craigie On Main. I developed this restaurant's new website, and learned a lot along the way.
  
• "Dealing with Loss" -- a title I thought of back in September that would track my (feeling of) transformation and all the stuff I was losing in the process.
• Impermanence and attachment. You may know I started meditating in the summer, and learned some principles of Buddhism along the way. These two concepts have still eluded my grasp to understand them. (As have the grasp of many other people, apparently, someone suggested to me recently.)
• Healthy eating. Almost every woman I either just liked or dated have been very health-conscious, even to the point of being vegan or becoming vegetarian. Being aware of this pattern is interesting and has affected my diet... slowly but steadily. (Please overlook my recipe for Crunchy Eggs Dinner for now.)
  
• Truth. Truth, versions of truth, how people act and react around their own perceptions of truth.
• Trust and patience. I may need to rollover this one into 2009. haha.
  
• Hair, and perceptions. Hmm, I wrote this idea down one day. This could be either one or both of two concepts.
  
• Life is a traffic jam. I thought of this while in one, and wrote it down in a notebook I keep in my car.
• Life is a dream. I first read this in "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle and realized how true that can be. Strangely, it also made me think of the campfire scene in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. That then led me to realize that its widely regarded bad storyline had some interesting points.
• Changing "never enough" to "never IS enough". Similarly, "not good enough".
• Jealousy and fear of rejection. Ah, this old chestnut!
• Clarity and perspective. Related to truthiness (see above).
• My accomplishments of 2008. Because there are a lot of them?
  

Any other requests?

I hope to address some of these in the next couple of weeks. At least one of them!

Opening the glass jar

I wish I could capture my thoughts.

A writer usually finds a way to do this effectively. There is always a pad of paper and a pen nearby. A notebook is always in the back pocket or in the glove compartment. Microsoft Word is always on standby. A budding writer has the tools, but they are only as good as his ability to capture his thoughts.

My thoughts are always fleeting. Today I am writing longhand in my journal. Writing longhand is tough because it forces you to pay attention to the thoughts in your head. You allow the thoughts to play out on your mind's stage, and you watch this performance and interpret it before you know what it is exactly you are witnessing. You report on these events as you see them. But not only are you the reporter, you are the editor, you are the columnist, interpreting what is in your head and writing down what makes sense.

I've been writing a lot in my journal lately. In addition to a breakup of a relationship, I have grown a lot in the last year and face many challenges in the future. That is a lot to think about, and sometimes it comes at me all at once, and I can't make heads or tails of it. Today I seem to be making progress in jotting these thoughts down. But then it was lunchtime, and I had to eat.

I made myself a sandwich and while eating, I continued thinking about my journal entry. What would be the next paragraph, what would come after that, etc. I want this journal entry to make sense, I want it to show that my head is not simply a glass jar filled with fireflies buzzing around inside. But the ideas kept buzzing by and within a couple of seconds, they were gone. I have a general idea where I want to go with it, but it would be great if I could capture my thoughts and pin them on the clothesline.

So that's when it hit me. "I wish I could capture my thoughts." What a great opening line to jump into a blog. I've been wanting to start a blog for a year or more now, and more so within the last month when the writing bug bit me. I had thought of another way to start it off, by quoting Pablo Neruda of all people, but I suppose my hesitation illustrated my uneasiness with that idea. Maybe it will work as a future post. Be on the lookout for it.

So here it is. My first blog post. I decided to call this blog "Dank Thoughts" on a whim, but it works for a number of reasons. First, "Dank" was one of many nicknames I have had. Second, although I actually didn't care for that nickname, it seems to work here on a more literal level. These thoughts are coming from the recesses of my mind. People may be surprised by what I think. It is my hope, then, that I can capture them, not only to help me figure things out along the way, but also maybe to show that I'm just as human as anyone else.

OK, back to writing my journal entry.