Recipe: Spiral Ham Thankfully Leftover Surprise

It's time for the first-ever second installment of the Dank Thoughts Random Recipe. Tonight's recipe comes to us with the need to get rid of holiday leftovers in a purely ingenious way that only an impressed lifelong bachelor would nod in approval. Today's recipe is the Spiral Ham Thankfully Leftover Surprise.

Spiral Ham Thankfully Leftover Surprise

Ingredients:

• 1-2 lbs. of spiral ham left over from Christmas Eve dinner
• 1 small can Campbell's Healthy Request pork and beans
• homemade salsa that you still have left over from Thanksgiving
• Sweet Baby Ray's honey barbecue sauce
• 2-3 slices of Pepperidge Farm cinnamon bread
  

Recipe:

1. Cut pieces off of the chunks of spiral ham and place them onto a hot pan. They should look like thick pieces of bacon. (It's up to you if you want to use butter or another type of substance to grease the pan. I didn't use anything because I knew the little bit of fat from the ham would be enough for me.)
2. Flip over the pieces to lightly char the other side.
3. When pieces are cooked to your desire, pour the pork and beans on and around the ham. Cook to desired consistency. I like it bordering on pasty.
   
4. Squeeze in some of that Baby Ray's.
   
5. While the pork and beans are cooking, mix in as much salsa as you wish. (Salsa is an obvious ingredient because the tomato in it mixes well with the tomato-based sauce of the beans. And if I'm wrong in the assumption that the bean's sauce is made from tomatoes, then the fact that beans and salsa are a well-proven and delightful mixture -- and as such a gift that keeps on giving -- should be reason enough to pile as many dollops as you can.)
6. Squeeze in some more of the Sweet Baby Ray's, but this time create a zig-zag, smiley-face or other design on top of the meat. Do not mix in it; you want the design to seep into the mixture in the exact spot it landed.
7. Once the barbecue sauce is sufficiently permeated, it is safe to turn off the stove.
8. Toast the cinnamon bread, and spread on a dairy-free gluten-free butter alternative. Perhaps even peanut butter!

Variations:

1. Ketchup is an acceptable substitute for barbecue sauce. Catsup is not.
2. There is no variation to the second pass of the barbecue sauce. It is vital that you make a creative design, or else your version of this recipe will become a disaster.
3. Post a comment with your variation suggestions here.
   

Suggestions:

1. More recipe ideas from the Campbell kitchen
2. More recipe ideas from Sweet Baby Ray's
3. More recipe ideas from Pepperidge Farm

Warning!

• Consumption of this meal may will cause an onslaught of an unsightly rash on your hands that tingles to the touch. Proceed at your own risk.