Meditation and mindfulness

Today I am recapping my busy month.

In many ways meditation should be first on that list. This has been one of the most important things I have done in a long time. It has been occupying most of my free time, when it's not spent dancing Argentine tango, surfing the Web, or taking walks. So because this section deserves more attention, and rightly so has turned from a brief synopsis on the list to a lengthy description of where I am at, it has become its own blog post.

So. You know how sometimes you're just sitting there not doing much, and you have a hundred things going through your head? Or if you're in a situation, and your mind overreacts? Or your mind just starts coming up with stuff that you know is irrational but you just can't help it? Some people call that mind chatter. (Somehow I keep remembering it as "mind clutter", which might clue you in on my interpretation of it.)

I have been meditating a lot lately. My mind clutter over the last few months was just getting more out of control, I guess you could say. Or I was becoming more aware of it, and I didn't really know how to deal with it.

And somehow the universe guided me to find all of these options:

Taking time at work
I found out about a meditation group at Staples, where I work as a contract web developer. They meet at lunchtime Mondays to Thursdays. It's a small group, and sometimes it's just me and another person, sitting in a dark room for a half hour and listening to strange (yet perfect) music. It definitely helps break up the day and relieves stress.

Awareness practice group
I started an Intro to Awareness "meditation practice group" at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. It's a six-week course on Mondays, and we're halfway done. There are about 15 or so in the class, and we're in this spacious and goregeous room on the top floor. The instructor (see picture; he has longer hair now) is great and has a soothing voice, which helps guides us during the 30 or 40 minutes of meditation.

The first half of the class is about learning to be present in the moment, and to focus on your breathing, and to find a way to take time in our busy lives to just BE, and not think about anything else. (The second half of the class is about paying attention to what sensations or distractions become more prominent, and to focus on that as an object of meditation. More on that starting this coming Monday.)

Being present in the moment is HARD to do, and I nevertheless recommend this class to anyone remotely interested in meditation. The Center has free drop-in sessions on Tuedsays and other courses for newbies like me.

Sangha
I have been going to sangha (community) nights at the Friends of the Western Buddhist Order center in Somerville. I first heard about this place last August, but didn't check it out until late June. I am not interested in the worship of Buddha; however, I am interested in the meditation time that the sangha night offers, as well as the discussions of Buddhist dharma (teachings). Sangha nights are times when this small group talk about life and becoming a better person, and what it means to be a better person.

Walking meditations
I'm continuing to take walks to Fresh Pond. I even found a little scenic route that includes two stone walls, where I sat atop one day and meditated while soaking up the rays of the sunset. At my second CIMC class, we learned about walking meditations, and I tried to do that twice so far at Fresh Pond.

First I thought I had to walk more slowly, so the first time I tried it, the loop around Fresh Pond took much longer. Then last night I tried it again, after realizing I didn't necessarily need to walk slow. I just needed to be mindful of the sensations, of the feet against the ground, of the breeze, of the feel of the walk itself, the feel of my body moving forward with purpose through the air. I must say, it feels different. I feel bigger, taller.

(The modesty in me wants to correct that to say, I don't feel as small as I used to feel. Because I am a tall person, that might seem strange for you to hear. That might be a future blog post in itself, perhaps having much to do with being one of the youngest and shortest kids in my high school class.)

Being more grounded
I've learned that you can take five minutes out of your day and just sit and focus on the sensations of your body, and nothing else, and that will help you feel more grounded.

That, perhaps, is the greatest benefit I have had with starting to learn meditation. I feel more grounded. In fact, in one of my late-night journal entries, I wrote that sometimes the foundation I stand on feels like a rocky pile, and I'm not standing tall and proud upon it, but squatting down, trying to balance myself on anything that won't crumble. Lately, I have found a more solid foundation to stand upon, and I don't have that feeling of squatting and trying to find balance. Maybe that's why I feel bigger, stronger, taller, leaner. I have found myself, and I have found myself to be worthy of being found.

Busy month

I wish I could say I was on an actual vacation for most of this month. I haven't actually written a real post here for most of July, as I've been unusually busy. Not really with busy work here and there, but I feel I'm occupying my time, for the most part, more wisely. There is a better sense of purpose. So here, I will try to do a brief (haha) synopsis of my month, picking up where I last left off.

My weekend getaway.
On July 4, I saw my friend and his wife, and caught up on life over the past year. I have grown so much in the time since we had last met, at their wedding, and it was good to hang out. Then it was off to an undisclosed location, which, by a number of readers of my blog had figured out from my photos, was in Rockland, Maine. I had hoped for a beach to lay out and just vegetate, but I ended up getting a ripe red farmer's tan (burn) just walking from my motel to the Rockland Breakwater, and beach time lasted only nearly two hours, tops. I got a free four-day three-night stay at the motel for resisting buying one of their timeshares after taking a tour of one of their condos. I decided to drive back to Massachusetts via Route 1, but after four hours and STILL in Maine, I hopped onto I-95, which ended up having worse holiday traffic. Six hours later, I landed in my neck of the woods and went straight to the last hour of the Cambridge tango practica, before heading home. All in all, it was a good trip, but I realized I could really do with a two-week vacation, which I haven't done since my trip to the U.K. over eight years ago during spring break of 2000.

Staples | Corporate Express acquisition (I mean, integration) website
Just before going to Maine I started work on the integration website of Staples and Corporate Express. And when I came back, I was working full-throttle on getting it done. One week I actually got an hour of overtime. It took me and a number of people on my team (I'm currently a contract web developer at Staples headquarters, for those who don't know) the better part of three or so weeks to get done what normally would have been months of work, according to one higher-up who applauded our efforts once we were done. I did most of the HTML, CSS, javascript and a dash of ASP (someone else did the Flash and design). I had some help on the javascript part from one former contractor who has gone full time. The Staples Corporate Express site is now live, but you need to have login access.

Then it is on to a new, big project, which I am knee deep in now. And once that's done, my duties will completely change. Sounds like good job security for now.

Life is a one-man play on a stage
One evening earlier this month, a friend of mine from New Hampshire and I went to the New Rep Theatre in Watertown to see "According to Tip", a one-man play performed by Broadway and TV star Ken Howard. I don't know anything about Broadway, or Tip O'Neill, but my friend is a political junkie. And because the New Reperatory Theatre is in my neighborhood, and because I am interested in the arts (even though I haven't done much with it), I thought what the hell. Ken Howard was great. Because he sang a handful of Irish drinking songs, does it count as a musical?

Howard has been around for a long time, and apparently he is sometimes in the U.S. version of "The Office," and he was in the (fantastic) movie "Michael Clayton," which starred George Clooney. I'm the type of person who can't do movie quotes to save my life, and therefore I cannot remember who Howard was in the movie. I'd have to watch it again.

Life is a one-man play on a stage, Part 2
The same night as "According to Tip" there was an Argentine tango milonga in Brookline. The play was done at 10:30pm-ish, and the milonga still had at least two hours left, so I decided to go. That was the most interesting two hours at a milonga I've had in a long time, if not ever. And that's putting it lightly. I saw my ex arrive there with a guy friend of hers, and I (apparently?) jumped to conclusions and had to step outside for a while to clear my head (see more about meditation, below). I stepped back inside and ended up having incredible dances with some of my favorite dancers, and with those I haven't danced with before (they were added to my list of favorites).

There are the types of good dancers who are so pre-occupied with doing a particular move RIGHT, as in pointing the foot at the correct angle to floor and juxtaposed to the leg blah blah blah, and there are the types of good dancers who move with feeling -- it may not be 100% correct but it FEELS goooood. I lean toward the latter, and I love dancing with those types of dancers too. For a while, I lost sight of that, and I'm comfortable with where I am. (I do know that if you combine both of those types of good dancers, the precise with the feeling, then your eyes roll back into your head with bliss. Been there, done that. That happens when the stars are aligned just perfectly.)

Hosting practica
In other tango news, I had been asked to be host to the Sunday practica in Cambridge. I was host on July 13, and will be host this Sunday. Basically, all this means is that I'm responsible for bringing water for everyone, ensuring that the vibe of practica remains friendly, be welcoming and dancing with new faces on the scene. I have no control over how freaking hot and muggy it gets in there, even when all three air conditioners and industrial fans are on at full blast. Thankfully, I don't need to mop up the drops of sweat on the floor. But I am responsible for having enough money to cover the rent.

Creative writing update
I haven't done much writing this month, other than writing prolific late-night (into early morning) entries in my journal after a long day (see "Life is a one-man play," parts 1 and 2, above, for example). Other than that, I have submitted a very small slice-of-life story as an entry to Grub Street's new literary magazine, the Rag Mag, which will debut Sept. 1. The story is labeled as fiction, although it's definitely based on a true story. In fact, I wrote it during a Grub Street writing class in early June, and it became one of my early blog entries, The revenge of the mysterious green plate monster. I hope it will be published in the Mag in one way or another. So far, I know that two people in my life have read it and that they loved it. I hope the rest of you do, too.

Crowning achievement
I finally got my second crown put in. This time porcelain instead of gold. I waited awhile to get it done, and therefore there were slight complications. I was under nitrous oxide (laughing gas) for about three long hours, and coming out of that consious yet coma-like state was rough. I had to sit down and drink some water to let my convulsing body iron out the shakes. Really weird.

Think twice about asking me to fix your computer
I messed up my computer bad. It actually happened the end of last month, and I let my computer whiz-kid friend up in Maine make a diagnosis. Yup, I lost all my files. Had I actually looked for my Windows XP setup CD, instead of using the PC Recovery Disc, I would have been A-OK. But the PC Recovery Disc reverted my computer as if I had just bought it this morning, taking me through the tour of Windows. Bizarrely, all my programs were fine, even Firefox 3, which I had downloaded a week before my computer wouldn't load. All the files that were stored in the My Documents folder? GONE. All the free videos I got from Amazon Unbox that were stored in a separate shared folder, videos I downloaded but don't have time to watch, and probably never will, were SAVED. Family and friends' photos? Gone. Budget spreadsheet I painstakingly built over the last year? Gone. Website source files for my previous clients? Gone. It's high time I invest in an external hard drive to back all my shit up. Now I'm re-building my budget with Google Docs (read: online).

Meditation and mindfulness
In many ways this should be first on this list. This has been one of the most important things I have done in a long while. It has been occupying most of my free time, when it's not spent dancing Argentine tango, surfing the Web, or taking walks. So because this section deserves more attention, and rightly so has turned from a brief synopsis on the list to a lengthy description of where I am at, "meditation and mindfulness" has become its own blog post.

One more week
There's still one more week to go for July. What more could possibly be in store for me?

Chowder, our temporary house cat

Chowder, our temporary house cat.

Sunset meditation

In the time it took me to type "Sunset meditation" and send this off to this blog straight from my phone, the sun had set.

Little black spot on the sun today

Hmm. Tip your head to the right. (Duh.)

Back to work today.

I didn't think about work from Wednesday night until this morning. It was good to get away. Now it's back to the grind.

View from lighthouse

Lighthouse. No more hints! :-)

Lighthouse. No more hints! :-)

Need a hint?

Can you guess where I am?

On my way to getting away

The previous blog posts are proof that my phone has a shitty built-in camera. Where there were Canadian geese swimming and flapping their wings in the Charles River, all you saw was a murky midnight-bluish-gray. Those were taken just a few steps south of Watertown Square, on the bridge near the Galen and Watertown streets intersection.

I had surrendered my car to Sullivan Tire to fix a blown blower motor around 8:30am, sat on a park bench and wrote for a couple of hours, went to Napoli Pizza for a small one (the guy repeated my order, "Hamburg, and broccoli?" but in a tone that said, "Seriously?"), and then decided to take a walk. I could only eat half the pizza, so I carted around the take-out pizza box, my journal, my eyeglass case and water bottle around in my hands. As I crossed the bridge, I snapped those photos. (Actually the first photo is OF the bridge, taken from the vantage point near where I wrote on the park bench, on the deck where old men cast fishing lines and families feed the geese, even when the signs say to keep them wild.)

My goal was to check out a new set of walking/bike paths in that area. If you hang a right after the bridge, the trail is right there. Turns out that corner is the start (or end) of a particular section of the Charles River Reservation, where there lives many small wildlife in addition to the geese. These include a type of sparrow, dragonflies, and a variety of fish, among others. Nothing that seemed out of the ordinary, in my view. However, it was really nice and somewhat calming to watch a family of geese float by and admire their legs paddling themselves around.

The particular portion of the reservation extended from Watertown Square through Newton, up into Waltham and back down to Newton. I'm not entirely sure how far I went. The trail meandered fairly close to old buildings and was at several points practically in the back yards of many homes. It's a fairly windy day today, which was great in the shade while writing in the park, but it also allowed many twigs and branches to fall on the trail, so it wasn't as clean as, say, the trails along Fresh Pond in Cambridge. Soon I came across an outdoor barbecue consisting mostly of young Asians who had set up white tables on the grounds. Then the trail stopped at an actual road, but blue and yellow heron tracks painted on the sidewalk showed me the way across the street to where the trail continued. Shortly thereafter, Sullivan Tire called to say my car would be ready in an hour, so after continuing for a little bit more, I back-tracked my way to the starting line, and I had my car by 2pm. (As a side note, walking in Birkenstocks today has been a much more pleasant experience than I had on the first day.)

This has pretty much been my first day of "getting away from it all" on this long holiday weekend. I have so much on my mind lately, and just when I've started to sort things out, more gets added to the plate. I know that I could travel all over the world, but I won't "find myself", as it were, until I look inside. Nevertheless, I am traveling to Maine, with a tentative plan to find a beach to just relax and reflect, maybe do some meditating and more writing. Along the way, I'm going to see a friend who has offered to try to fix my home computer. That's really an excuse, as if I needed one, to chill out with an old friend for the first time in almost a year. Then it's onward to the crash of the waves and the hot sandy beach.

Geese on a dam at the Charles River Reservation

Geese on dam

Can you spot the geese? Me neither. Damn camera phone.

More geese

Canada geese on the Charles River in Watertown

Geese

Bridge near Watertown Square